STOP the Train I Want to Get Off

Last night I triggered.  A medium sized trigger. I used to blog anonymously.  That was safe.  That was hidden.  Now I blog with my name and face and my blog is growing.  Smally.  But growing.  People are finding out about me.  People are reaching out to me.  I am signed up for my first vendor show.  People who I know in real life have found my blog. (YIKES!)  And people who should know about my blog, still don't know.  I have to tell them.  STAT.  It all just got tooo much last night.  I wanted to run.  To hide.  To go back to old patterns of stuffing and ignoring.  I announced I was taking this blog down and quitting.  I crawled in bed last night at 9 pm to escape and slept for 15 hours.

When I trigger I just want to run.  To hide.  To fall into old patterns of fight or flight.  Of stuffing and ignoring.  I am lucky.  I can sleep my way out of a trigger about 60% of the time if I can get to bed (sometimes at noon).  PTSD Triggers Suck!

Sleeping my way out of a trigger works about 60% of the time for me.  Usually I can stop a trigger by sleeping.  Sometimes, it doesn't work and  I'll just lay awake.  All night.  Sometimes for several nights.  Fortunately last night, sleep came quickly and I crashed HARD for hours.   

When I awoke, my trigger had subsided enough that I could face it.  Mostly.  I'm still not sure what I'm doing here and why I vacillate so wildly between: Keep the blog and Remove the blog.  I'm still in this trigger, but I'm stepping though it.  I'm reminding myself that just because life gave me a day with one flat tire, I don't have to pop the other three. I can fix the one and move on.    

When I get triggered by my PTSD I spiral downward quickly into negative emotion.  This is a good reminder for me.  Bad day.  Not bad life.  I got this.